Sunday, May 20, 2007

Whats The Point?

You wanna play golf tomorrow? Nah, Kor, I suck. It'll be fun. We'll call the consultant and a couple of cousins. It'll be great. Yah but we really suck, you know. Ok fine I'll call my niggah to come as well. You remember him right? He was my driver at my wedding. Cool, so we get all excited and go to UPM and play nine holes. Niggah, had to go to work. Had lunch, then me Kor and the consultant continued another nine holes. I drove my own buggy. Now here is what I learnt: When the buggy runs out of energy, the gearbox disengages into a free running mode. So as the consultant and my brother continued up this steep hill to finish a par five. I followed, the buggy started to jerk and it went into free mode. So I hit the brakes and let it rest. Then tried again. It continued to jerk and then went into free mode. OK. I'll get out and push when it goes to free mode. This is important, so pay attention. DO NOT GET OUT AND PUSH. Because the buggy is heavier than you think. You are not that strong, the buggy follows gravity. The first thing I thought was, my dad did this one time only the buggy rolled into the lake as he ran like an idiot after it. So I'm not going to be the idiot. I'll just stand here and look cool. So it rolls back down the hill. And all you can do is say,"Shit."

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Mickey Mouse.


What do you do when you go to a party and you don't know anybody. I suppose you could complain about the smoke and throw a tantrum. Or. Find the mickey juice and start rocking! Ha ha...

Monday, May 14, 2007

Eat Me!


Where I come from this is not a good thing to say to someone. I mean its up there with 'up yours' and flipping the bird. Does it mean something else in this fine country? They better be tasty, thats all I can say.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Mecca.

My consultant has been flying in and out of HK and I asked him to check out the airsoft scene for me because I heard it was happening. It is awesome! The stuff there is so cheap and the airsofters there take it really seriously. For example, they have a Matrix scenario. One guys plays Neo. All his guns are souped up. Everyone else has suppressed guns at slower speeds. Then they do the lobby metal detector security guard scene and kick each others asses. Other scenarios include Hostage and Rescue, Terrorist and Bomb Diffusing missions. How much is a flight to HK?

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Ass.

Dude, I told you to stop messing with my Mac you monkey. Now look what you've done. Idiot.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Thank You!


Dear Mickey Mouse Club, thank you for my excellent birthday present. It is very cool. Now I can watch tv while I jog, drive and poo.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Drifto!


Did you know you can drift shopping carts? Awesome! I'm going to organise races in supermarkets now.

Note to self.


You are not the only monkey to wake up early and go to the megamarket. At the point of opening the carpark is full and there are zillions of people shopping already. Do they camp here overnight? And everyone smells. I know they all didn't shower this morning because they wanted to get here early. And so starts my day doing the husband and wife thing. Its pretty cool actually.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

2400.

They should have called it that. I mean thats how many abs there were. All 8 packs. Sick. I'll never look like that. I wonder what thats like. I mean, can you sit down? Can turn to the left or right? Can you eat anything? What waist size would you have? How would you poo?

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas!


Merry Christmas to everyone! Thank you for wasting your time reading this blog and supporting it. Bless your hearts.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Wedgie!


Warning. If you wear ridiculous undergarments, we will be forced to Wedgie you. Merry Christmas.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Chicken


Too much Nando's isn't good for the soul.

Honours.


I would like to dedicate this entry to fartface on receiving her degree in brown people studies. She has returned to our land to annoy everyone after which she shall move on to annoy another country. Welcome home!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Friday, December 15, 2006

Nice.


This BMW did not have its original engine. In fact nothing was original. It sounded like an SR20DET tuned to 400 ponies. Sick Niggah sick.

Gummy Poo.


I've been taking a table spoon of this every morning. Its very interesting on the colon. Anyway I left it in my mouth too long today and it expanded wicked fast. That wasn't fun. Have you seen a hamster with its entire hibernation stock in its mouth?

Fred!


This is his favorite number plate. It has to be. I mean why would you do that to yourself? Maybe he doesn't speak cantonese.

Stupid Car.


Darling, my car won't start. Something's wrong. Ok Honey I'm on my way. Looks like the alarm system has Immobilised the car. I'll take you and my sisters home first. Then I'll call one of my Niggahs to help. Dude I'm picking you up. See you in five mins. Ok dude. Yeah its definitely Immobilised. I'll call the tow truck. Lets have a drink while we wait. Tow truck is here. Put the car in neutral. Put the handbrake on. Ok follow him. Sorry to drag you out so late Niggah. Thats ok, what are friends...hey why is that tire doing that? Thats not good. Tell him to pull over on the on ramp before he hits the Kiara highway. Crap he's calling for back up. He's out of action. While we wait, I might as well go to the bank. Five atms not working here. Try that bank. Nope. How about that one? Nope. Three banks. Somethings up. Nevermind. Lets go back before the tow truck dude gets lonely. Cops. Great you talk. My indigenous speak is not too good. English subtitles. What are you boys doing with this car? Towing it home. It broke down. His tow truck got a flat. We are waiting for his back up. Ok. He can wait here. You have to go one round and wait the other side. Ok officer. Lets go Niggah. What a waste of...a road block. Great. English subtitles. Good evening boys. Have you been drinking? I wish I had. This evening would have been more fun. Thats my car being towed back there. Ok go ahead. Tow truck dude is calling us back. His backup is here. Great, we drove round for what? Ok the new tow truck guy has hooked up the car. Lets go. Follow me. Man he's going really slowly. Hey look another Frostie, same colour as mine too. Where is the tow truck going? Why is he turning off the highway? Oh no he's following the other Frostie. Idiot. Call him. I don't have his number. Call the other tow truck dude. Now we have to drive around looking for a tow truck. He's calling me now. He's been stopped by cops. They think he stole the car. Great. Lets go. English subtitles. Hi, this is not a stolen car. Its broken. Can we go now? Bla bla bla, have a good evening officer. Lets go. I'm tired and he's going to drive so slowly. Thanks Niggah for going through this with me. Anytime dude anytime.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

My House.


Not really a hidden Mickey but I'd love to have a house like this.

Hidden Mickey.


Its been a very long time since I had one of these. Anyway cheap thrills.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Slice Of Heaven.


Thanks for taking me to get Frostie. Let me buy you tea. I know just the place. Wow, Niggah, how did you find out about this place? Dude, I'm fat. Nuff said.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I'm Pissed.


In my over preparedness I packed my gym bag last night without a fresh pair of smalls. Unbelievable, now I'm sitting here wondering what to do next. Idiot. Stupid. Moron. Maybe my stuff won't notice.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Meat Flag!


My brother has decided to go for a strict diet. He seems to think that It'll make a difference before my big day. So he ordered a few billion dollars worth of meat. My niece loves the meat flags.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

For Sale.


A 1962 Piaggio Vespa. 7 and a half grand. No not Vesper, Bond's chick, who is really ugly by the way. I've always wanted a scooter. Imagine how much money I'd save? But that means I would be labelled a Matthew Rempitt and I'd get busted all the time. Ok nevermind. I'll stick to the Aston.

I Told You Once Before...


Niggah you mess with my phone I will blog you. Monkey.

And I'll take one of these too Jeeves.



Don't Buy That. Buy This.


Kor, i know you think the Accord is cool. But this is way cooler. And you can have your midlife crisis too. Just my two cents. Or five dollars worth.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Just In Case You Forgot.


Thats my bling. Just to remind you who I am. Is it bright enough? Is it in your face enough? I'm thinking about putting more ice and onyx on it. Just so you remember who I am. Just in case you forgot.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Enterprise.


Thats my sister in law. I'm very proud of her because at her age she has achieved what most of us would only achieve much later in life. A stall in the Christmas bazaar at Bangsar Village. 3 weeks. 5 figures. Well done, girl. Well done. Oh and your boyfriend too.

My Favorite Second Home.


Everything works. People are trained. They take pride in their jobs. There is a higher purpose. They are organised. They get back to you. They greet you. They have quality control. They have class. So what if they are kiasu.

Your New Car 007...


Since you wrecked your last car, we've had to issue you with a another one. Its temporary until your new one arrives. And it has all the usual refinements.

Now Pay Attention 007...


Your new telephone. Talk here, listen here. Q, I'm well aware of the usage of a mobile phone. Ah such cockiness, 007. This is no ordinary telephone, it has 3G and a 3.2 megapixel camera. But this feature I'm particularly proud of. Blogger. Just snap the picture, select Blogspot and publish. You never cease to amaze me, Q. Naturally 007, naturally.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Generalist.

One who knows nothing about everything.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

The Specialist.

One who knows everything about nothing.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Species.

Women are a strange species. Best friends. They do everything together. Spa, coffee and hair wash. But when there is a sale on some specialty thing, "oh i totally forgot to tell you!" Yeah right, weird species.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Its Academic Really.

I met the funniest academic today. He specialised in farming. He related the story of his internship where he was in charge of artificial insemination. "Wah I had so much fun that year. I got to play with liquid nitrogen. You dip the leaf in and throw it against the wall and it shatters like glass! I had to stick my hand up the female rectum to feel for the eggs. Anyway, i had this giant vagina that i used to capture the sperm from the bull just before he penetrates the family. He pushed so hard the vagina flew so far. Ha ha ha...". My dad and brother were blank. Do you know what mortified means? The blank expression of shock, the lack of humour, the aeroplane flying overhead. I was laughing my ass off.

Friday, November 03, 2006

The Complete Truth Entrepeneurs Male's Hang Out.

This friday meeting always attracts the weirdest people. I mean some women turn up too. It must be the fellowship or something. But i always believe that God puts the extreme loonies in this fellowship. Maybe its just this chapter but it really doesn't feel normal. Today i sat with a lady who looked like Isma. I'm not joking. It frightened me so much so I kept looking to my left to see if she going to poison or stab me. "looking for this. Ha ha ha" you don't get it do you? Go watch the emperor's new groove.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Dead Pigeon.

Eric, what happened here. It looks like the pigeon came in through the toilet window. Its pretty serious H. Any witnesses? No. It happened during the night. Eric, what is that? Its bird shit H. Its everywhere. Yeah judging by these footprints there is usually a laptop here. Good thing the owner took it with him. Wheres the body? Over there on the couch. It must have flown around until it ran out of energy and then died there. Its a strange place to die for a pigeon. Ah you must be lieutenant caine. And you must be tandrax. Do you know anyone who would do this? No idea. Do you have any enemies? Plenty. I'm the largest exporter of paper folded aeroplanes in the south east asia. Now if you don't mind i need to go for a meeting. Tandrax, don't leave town. We'll be meeting again. Cue music.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Saw Hi.

"Yah, I saw the car skid and lose control and fly off the flyover and land 9m below", said the tow truck operator. Was that after your poured oil on the road? There is an expression for this in cantonese. I think it goes something like this; saw hi.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Idiots.

If you guys are so free to blog all this crap about soft drink manufacturers, 24 hour convenience stores, toothpaste manufacturers, you are embarrassing yourselves and your faith. Do you really think Allah would go through all this trouble to destroy companies which employ your kind of people. Please grow up and stop taking kick backs. Its really pathetic.

Upset.

Upset. Today is come to work late day. Why? Because the bosses play nine holes today. Thats Big Boss and Junior Big Boss. As for Mickey Mouse Boss, nothing changes, I still go to the gym at 7am. However today I'm upset. Which niggah used my shower? Everyone knows that number three is my shower. Everyday same time. So what up man! They are only four regular guys in the gym. Mr. Skinny Indian Naked Banker, Mr 50km/h Middle Age Runner, Mr. Step Up Step Down Talker and ME! Thats why I joined a hotel gym duh. So which one of you niggahs thought it was funny to use my shower? I could kick all your asses if I wanted to. Upset.